I have come to the conclusion that one of the most interesting areas for people watching/viewing of screwed up stuff in Northern Kentucky is the area from Dixie Heights High School to Silverlake Kroger in Erlanger. (I am leaving out the entire city of Covington for obvious reasons. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you’ve obviously never been to the COV.) If you are not familiar with this area, Erlanger, just picture the retail district of the fictitious land of Landford from Roseanne.
I have seen many strange things go on in this stretch of land. Some of my favorite things have been the homeless guy on his bike I named Stinky Steve. First I wanna say that I have compassion for the homeless. Some of us are only a job loss or a bad decision from becoming “one of them”. My lovely husband stopped at the Thornton’s gas station last summer and decided to park the car next to the dumpster. First, I don’t think it’s a good idea to park close to a dumpster during the summer months. I happen to not be a fan of rotting trash, call me crazy.
Well, the car windows were down and my two kids were in the backseat. I was on my iPhone not paying a whole lotta attention to what was going on. Then Bethany says, “What’s that?’ and points to the vagrant standing approximately one foot from the car. I took one glance at the scabbed up arms of Stinky Steve and clicked the lock button of the car door. Then the smell of bum began to seep through into my safe Corolla cocoon. The smell of bum is something that no one can describe, it’s best experienced.
I noticed that my man had turned around and I observed that he was wearing a very clean Dream Theater t-shirt. This meant either there is a very nice person out there (with awful taste in music) or that a prog rocker just got ganked. Finally my oblivious other walked up to the car and commenced to open the door which I had locked. I quickly moved my head in the direction of Steve and after about five seconds of processing Robb got the picture and I unlocked the door. He needed to pay for parking his family next to the dumpster. Stinky Steve must have liked Erlanger because I spotted him in front of the Burger King a few days later. The Dream Theater shirt was getting there.
My second favorite Dixie Highway moment was something I observed at a red light this past fall. Next to Dixie High School there is a KFC, which for as long as I can remember has been the place to go and smoke after school. As I was sitting at the light I looked over to see a couple of kids in love. She was leaned up against the wall of the KFC with her legs wrapped around this guy like a horny Koala bear. Instantly I was reminded of that John Cougar Mellancamp (John Cougar, John Mellancamp whatever) classic Jack and Diane. I have changed the words, “Suckin on a chicken leg outside of KFC…” That sight made my day. Young love is gross and stupid.
Today I experienced my latest Erlanger experience. The Kmart on Dixie Highway sucks. There is just not any other way to put it. It’s like a place you shop when you’re not good enough for Walmart. Honestly, it’s like walking into the 80’s. I swear that nothing has been changed since then, including their mop water. This really sucks because Kmart has nice stuff, but this particular store makes you wanna take a bath after shopping there. But I digress…back to my story.
I was at the light directly across from the Kmart entrance when I noticed a runaway cart coming directly toward me. This little guy was hauling some shopping cart ass too. For a second I thought it was going to hit me, a head on collision with a shopping cart, but he lost his momentum right in the middle of Dixie Highway. A guy in a big white SUV almost ran into the Little Kmart Cart Who Could, but he stopped and pushed him to the curb. Even their own shopping carts hate that store. Maybe if he’s still there later I’ll pick him up and take him to Kroger so he can start a new life.